anna nalick is playing.

it's raining outside,

and it's so cold.

i like anna nalick,

her lyrics are so deep.

i'm home alone, ive never felt

quite so alone

[well, yes i have.]

but i still feel lonely

were did all the people go, and why do i feel this way

anytime i'm by myself?

why can't i just feel beautiful?

mm this music is so great!!

i have a whole two hours for me

i should do something FABULOUS

maybe i will!

last night was cute.

jimmy is a good boy,

he kept his promise

he picked up his phone

he took it all away for the night

and i'm so in love with him

i wish people would stop saying shit

about our relationship, him, me

it's not their freaking business.

but we snuggled a lot

we watched a movie

we just needed to be together

well, i always wanna be with him

i took a shower this morning

it was nice, i sang jewel songs

while i washed my hair.

then i went to the mall with

bethany!

i got cute polka dot a&f undies,

bethy got the same ones!! :D

too adorable.

i got the switchfoot cd to replace

the one i lost in the rental car in DC

and anna nalick! (shes my new idol.)

and i got mom some chocolates

from Lindt, for mum's day. she'll like it

i'm gonna burn her a cd too,

of rainy day songs (like anna nalick,

im not obsessed though!)

well, i love jimmy <3

abbi and joey are together.

this is all so awkward,

i feel like such a third wheel

but maybe thats okay

i think its my turn

i think its my time to hurt.

greenday was fabulous,

the whole place smelled like pot and sweat

but thats okay.

the show was more than inspiring,

more than brilliant.

music is mystifying if i do say so!

and they had cool lighting.

they had people go on stage, then the guy who played

billie jo's guitar got to KEEP IT!

yes i was mad jealous.

and during the encore they blew confetti

all over, it stuck to me

'cause i was wet from the water guns.

oh, it was bliss-like.

i liked last night snuggle-time,

i liked being in jimmy's arms

and the way he holds me

the way he holds me..

i dont care what other people say

i know jimmy,

the ones who DO know jimmy

he does love me.

our relationship has a lot of depth

and no one else understands

besides us.

but thats okay, i love him

so much.

spies hide in every corner

they all keep telling me to forget  you

but i cant ever seem to forget you

so i try to push you to the back

but you dont ever seem to wanna move

so maybe youll just stay here

and maybe ill just be unaware

ill try to pretend you dont cause me pain

but you do, oh you do.

and i cant even tell you when you ask,

"are you mad at me"

i feel guilty letting you down

even when youre the one who let me down in reality

so cant you just pick up your phone

cant you just call yourself on it for once, make it feel right

all i wanted was to say that i love you

and that i need you..

i believe in the faith that grows
and the four right chords can make me cry
when i'm with you i feel like i could die
and that would be all right, all right

hm, tonight i played open mic at acoustic coffeee. it was pretty cool. bethy tagged along, that was a blast. we walked around a little after i'd performed 'cause it's such perfect weather out. but, beside the point. we chatted with this guy named seth. he performed first, he wasn't that good. but whatever, he was nice and i like talking to people who are musicians too. so, he said he'd love to see me play again and i should try to go more often 'cause i'm good:) awesome. the other musicians weren't that inspiring tonight, but looking around the cafe was. just seeing all the different people, trying to guess what they were like. you know. i love the smell in that place, the mix of cigarettes and coffee. mm, that smell makes me feel right at home.

ah, i wish i could just live there! or perform. well, i want to expand my horizons. i just wanna sing and write songs and perform all the time, i want that to be my life. i dont know if i wanna be big, or if i just wanna play. i dont know, but i have time to figure it out.

i was so glad bethy came, she's my little groupie in a sense. but really, she's at all my shows and everything, every time i'm the star of whatever she's there cheerin' me on. you can't ask for anything more than that, that's true friendship and decidation. ooh i just love having a best girly friend!

well, jimmy kinda ditched me today. i went to his house with john and mike, it was okay. for the first time, kisses dont make things better and neither do "i love you's". what would make it better is sincerity, honesty. i want a mature relationship... annddd i dont think im gonna be finding that nearby any day soon. oh, this will work it's way out some time.

Bramhall Pub, 769 Congress St. Friday’s at 9 open mic- maybe?

'FUCK YOU' she screams after they slept
he says, 'baby she was just a one nighter'
'i dont need you to be okay
dont need you for some feel good sensation'
she screams as she slams the door
'baby you screwed up bad this time,
no way am i running around after you'
he begs her to stay, she yells his name
i hear them from my open door
for being in love they sure as hell aren't happy

and for being in love, i sure as hell am not happy.

you can't pick me up now,

because i'd rather you didn't touch me

i'll try to pretend at least

try to make you feel guilty,

but really i want you to come near me

come cup my face in your hands

and let your body find it's way to mine

i'm locked in your heart,

somewhere you threw the key

and if you aren't gonna keep me safe,

then why can't you unlock me?

you toss aside the ginger ale bottle

let it spin and dizzy up on in the dirt

and you don't even look at me

you don't check for my smile,

for my heartbeat and my pulse

you kick the bottle out of your way

you kick me out of your way,

did you notice when you did?

did you see the tears that were

on the verge of errupting from my eyes?

they were so green, right then, so helpless

and you didn't even want to try.

and how is it always just suddenly alright?

how is it you can let whatever happened go,

kiss my cheek and hug me tight

and just say that you love me?

i can barely breathe, i'm hardly aware

of anything else besides you- by now.

is it fair, is this right?

you push me around, you toss me up

and wait until i come back down.

you kiss me, you hold me, you hurt me.

every thought and action is uneasy

and you fucking control my head

i can't believe i've sunk so deep,

so deep that it's under my skin

this feeling called love, is it really love?

what makes beauty? is it perfect skin, flawless hair, lips that are colored so delicately? why am i pretty to the world? in this picture, i look gorgeous. but this picture isn't me. this picture is air-brushed, touched-up. the skin is pristine, my teeth are snow colored white, every hair in my eyebrow is perfect. my freckles look precisely placed upon my check, my eyes don't share my story... is this what i paid $100 for? sure, i look gorgeous. i look like a down-to-earth movie-star, quiet lovely features but.. this isn't me. this isn't the alexandra who likes to run around at the beach in the summer, who cooks macaroni and cheese and eats it in a bowl with a spoon. this is certainly not the alexandra that's going to be up on stage singing how she feels.

so, i guess the record studies will get a tinted version of me. but i suppose, in the world that i am headed to, beauty is key. if the world thinks i've got beauty, it's the only necessary thing.

anyways. i feel kindof fedup, i feel extremely exhausted. i should go to bed, but whatever. i still have all my makeup on from tonight, gross. the show was okay. i'm kindof mad at bethany, she was being all.. ridiculous.. i don't know. i just want everyone to go away for a few days and i want to sleep to feel refreshhed, and mostly i want to sleep sleep sleep in jimmy arms. mm. i really really want to talk to him right now.  but he's busy. oh, well, i guess.

it's beautiful here, here in Alexandra-land...

i hung out with christine today.. what a change, but we picked up like it hadnt been what, a year and a half. yeah, that's us pretty much though :) and im happy. today was gorgeous outside, bethy and i skipped drama pretty much and laughed a lot while lying on the pavement. i'm so happy..

she isn’t even pretty

her blonde hair is greasy

it has streaks of brown,

they look out of place.

her eyes aren’t mesmerizing,

not like mine are

her eyes are a warm brown

with hints of swampy green

why did you want her?

she’s tall and her tummy is flat,

her ribs are barely hidden by skin

and she isn’t lovely to see.

she says, "hi baby,"

like you’ve known each other forever

she kisses your mouth

her lips pressed hard on your mouth

her tongue swimming in your mouth,

everything becomes dizzy.

you put your arms around her,

why, why.

she hugs you back, she holds you back,

she says she loves you.

she doesn’t know what love is, but I do.

you nod and you walk into your house.

she isn’t real like me,

doesn’t register pain the way I do.

is she charismatic, melodramatic

a little bit crazy?

is she everything that’s me,

everything that makes you love me?

her lips are full and luscious,

I’m sure mine are bland compared to hers.

but does it matter?

does anything matter?

you cry on the phone when you say it

you say you didn’t mean it

I look out the window

I want to say to you,

"do you see the way your hand fits in mine?

do you see the way our hands are perfect together?

you won’t have this with anyone else but me."

you cried really hard,

when i saw her looking straight at you

every time i close my eyes,

every time i try to sleep it's there

she's next to you when i dream

shouldn't that be me?

with your tears smudging my face,

you grabbed onto my shirt, grabbed my hair,

you said "please, don't do it."

you said "please, don't do it."